I know many of us are currently going through death and rebirth cycles. For myself this started in August when I had my 5th and 6th Ayahuasca ceremonies. Right before my Ayahuasca ceremonies I saw a different physical fox out on my walks two days in a row. The only other time in my life I had received a fox sign was when I was experiencing one of my many rock bottoms on drugs and alcohol in 2009. I saw a fox and took it as a sign from the Universe to go to rehab. This time I immediately knew these fox signs were a sign that I was about to go through a transformative period. I was also seeing other signs of death and rebirth leading up to the day of the ceremonies.
I had asked Ayahuasca and set my intent to help me dig up all that remained that wasn’t high vibrational. During the first night I saw Ayahuasca turn into a giant snake and go deep inside me. It definitely worked. It ended up being a rough experience of vomiting up black crap. What I felt was so dark, chaotic, and malevolent. I knew it was something big but couldn’t entirely figure it out. I had also healed a life I was pregnant and miscarried a child which related to a lot of deep womb healing and my power center (solar plexus). Sekhmet was one that was helping me heal this. I found out later that the dark energy was void “energy.” Even through both of the ceremonies and a healing from the shaman and all I was doing with healing knowledge it wasn’t cleared. When I got back I had to work on it for several more days and get some assistance. I was told it was void energy left over from when the Earth was created. It had been fused into all my energy systems, chakras, bodies, aura and seemed to mimic the energies there. So it was nearly impossible to detect. I say void “energy” in quotes because it wasn’t energy or anything that should exist in these planes of existence. It only should exist in the void. I don’t see that being attached to me as a victim experience though. Intuitively I feel I ran across that in some other lifetime and since I didn’t know where to put it or what to do with it, I ended up just trying to imprison it within my own soul to contain it until it could be dealt with some other time. But each time I would get into a higher frequency vibration/state, this thing would just suck that energy into itself to continue to survive. However I attempted to contain it didn’t work. After the Ayahuasca I had roughly 30% of my gut bacteria left after purging what I could from that during the ceremonies. It took several weeks for my stomach to recover.
Right after the Ayahuasca I became sick and was sick with an ascension flu type of deal for a week. And that was really just the beginning. After that a series of other shadow work related or old darker stuff deep within me was being pushed out. I knew I was going through a transformation, but I was back in a lower vibration working through everything. When in those states that old acquaintance “not wanting to be here” shows up. It was not easy. I started to smoke cannabis again as a way to make everything go much smoother. Another part of the clearing I had to do was something related to dragons. I had some knowledge of the dragon species physiology that I was a guardian of. I had to return it to the higher dimensional golden dragon group. Some of the lower less evolved dragons were trying to obtain that information to use as a control mechanism. Many of us had guardianships like this in the past that need to be released now. I had released another guardianship relating to the animal kingdom along the way.
Through September the biggest feeling I kept having was feeling empty. Such an emptiness feeling within. I would keep sending light into myself to fill all empty spaces and kept doing this day after day after day. I would smoke some cannabis, listen to some high frequency music and even dance around with light language type movements to bring energy to fill me up again. That’s the first time I’ve done any sort of movements like that, as in the past I haven’t been someone that would even dance with the lights off by myself. Even though I felt good while doing that, once done the emptiness feeling would come back and the negative thoughts. Through this period my bank account became the lowest it’s been in years, dropping down under $500. And of course that acts like a trigger/activation for us when things get that low. So that fueled things negatively further and the victim thoughts come back up. I would keep telling myself that I was going through a death and rebirth phase and I was going to come out of this feeling better than I ever have. But a lot of the times the negative thoughts were outweighing those.
When everything is going great, we generally aren’t looking at what isn’t working for us (or we do already know and just aren’t doing anything productive about it). Or even if things aren’t going well, but we are getting by. I feel many of us have gone through this recently of having a low financial situation that is forcing us to come to realizations and shift things in different directions. I also think for those of us staying back as introverts this is also a message to start co-creating with others and financial support will result from that for the group. Needing to shift this was the case for me, which was very difficult because I had to accept that my spiritual healing business was not going to support me financially, at least not the way I’ve been going about it. And the strong sense I would get is that it could take a couple more years. Throughout my entire life, one of the biggest issues I faced was never being able to find something I wanted to do (or at least I told myself that). When I went back into my spirituality and had a powerful awakening, shortly after found a purpose of being a healer after my healing gift was reactivated in Dec 2016. So I was so excited to finally have something I truly wanted to do and felt aligned and called to do. That has also been the motivation for me working so hard through my journey too, to get to a point where I could offer a lot more and really support myself through this work while still being able to help those who I am called to for free too. So while working through that purging this was a harsh realization for me. If I wasn’t able to be supported from this work, then why should I stay? That was what was going through my thoughts.
Toward the last week or so of September I was working on reprogramming the thoughts and negativity. Again the cannabis helped tremendously with this as I was asking the plant teacher to help me, which makes a huge difference when you set the intent. So I was having some results just by doing my own thing with that, trying to stay as positive as I could and feel good. Watching lots of comedy shows trying to laugh a lot. I also had one meditation type of experience where I was at a volcano and went inside the volcano and came out of it as a phoenix. Pele was there too. But I couldn’t really feel it, I was still feeling the emptiness. Even though I couldn’t feel it being a powerful experience, I just did my best to trust that it was another part leading to feeling good again through the rebirth cycle.
Around the same time A Course In Miracles (you can access that free online if you look it up) showed up a few times in my reality within a couple days. I had started to work through that and even those first lessons were exactly what I needed. Up until this point I have been someone that has struggled with letting go (as many of us do). If you struggle with letting go of people/relationships/traumatic events, forgiveness is often the key. And most of the time it is not forgiving someone else that shifts it, it is forgiving yourself. Because we blame ourselves for feeling stupid, being duped, not seeing what was happening for what it was, and all the other reasons. When you are at the point that you can forgive yourself that is when the shift of that happens. But for manifesting so much of the info out there leads you to believe it’s part of the process, the end of the process, is to simply let go and trust the manifestation will come. Which I was struggling with because part of me wanted to keep putting energy and intent back into the manifestation.
The other part that I have struggled with is wanting to find the meaning in everything. For those of us that are very intelligent, curious, and also like to contemplate philosophically this is even more so. So much of my spiritual journey I was wanting to find the meaning in everything, searching for the answers. It’s a part of most of our journeys through awakening. But that search is endless and when you get one question answered it just results in several more questions. And none of this searching brought me joy. A lot of it just became a further distraction. And this also transferred over to my healing work. I wanted to know more of what was going on in the healing sessions I was offering and would feel bad whenever I would have sessions I would do with someone where I wouldn’t get much info or I was asked questions and nothing would come through for the answer. This was such a blockage for me along the way and it dealt with the wanting to know everything. Meanwhile I still had great feedback from healing sessions and they were still going great. But this has always been in the forefront of my mind as lack part of myself that I wasn’t able to get specifics whenever needed like others do.
There was a lot I was holding onto that it was time to let go of. Coming back to the course in miracles, some of the first exercises were going through and saying that things were meaningless and that things didn’t exist. I started doing these with the help of cannabis and started to have some more profound experiences. Had I started those lessons earlier on I would have seen them as very negative and had a lot of resistance. But I started having so much relief come. The lessons about honing in on the thoughts and recognizing them as past or future thoughts that didn’t exist and were meaningless. I had awareness so many times along this journey in relation to this. I would be worrying about something that literally hasn’t happened and I would be aware of it. And I would even say to myself that right now that worry literally does not exist. It’s a future worry that isn’t in this present moment. But I would have trouble shifting it. Those beginning exercises already helped me shift that more so with understanding. I was just ready for them too.
I started to feel so much relief in letting go of finding the meaning in anything or everything. Coming back to that everything is an illusion and the only meaning something has is what I give it. I’ve observed enough people’s spiritual journeys and their experiences to be certain of this for myself. That we can all have conflicting experiences and we are all right. Everyone’s truth is their own and the reality they create. It’s like I didn’t have to figure out anything else, that was the bliss. The endless search could be over if I just let it go. And I was able to let go.
I would sit and meditate, then say “Letting go of my family, letting go of friends, letting go of this world, my purpose, my thoughts, the past, the future, and then finally letting go of who I am and my entire identity.” With each one I would just visualize it disappearing. So I let go of EVERYTHING. And when I did that, it was like I would float back so softly into a warm embrace of pure Source, or my Source/Higher Self. I would feel this energy, it was like I was my God self. For fun I was even calling what I was feeling the God force. Then I would take that and come back into reality and bring that with me. So it was like I let go of everything, connect to God/higher self, and come back. It’s such an amazing feeling.
I would also keep having that quote from Yoda come about “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” But for me I had to let go of everything, not just fear. The other part I had to let go of was communicating with spiritual guides. Over the last couple of years I made every effort I could to develop myself in a way to be able to find at least one consistent reliable connection for a spirit guide. But my experiences were often lead to negative stuff and being mislead by trickster/imposter beings. So I made the decision I was no longer going to connect to spirit guides. But the real issue was feeling betrayed by my guides and God. I would ask “If I have guardian guides assigned to me, then why aren’t they doing their job of guarding me”” I felt my guides were complete failures at their job. Why would I experience so many entity attacks. Why when I have faith and do trust them, is my faith later shattered? The beliefs and experiences I was having were not matching up. I would put myself in a state that I would stop believing in entities and such, giving that zero attention, and would be good for a while. Then along comes an experience that contradicted that. I lost count of how many catch 22’s I’ve come across in regards to spiritual concepts and experiences. And of course this falls into victim consciousness. And it almost made it worse knowing that I was a creator being and that I was creating/attracting these experiences to me every time. I would go back and forth on that, as I know many others have.
The entity experiences taught me a lot though over the years and I will be sharing more about those soon. But the main realization that I had to come to with that is that the way I was going was simply not working. I was not graduating from these experiences, they were continuing. I was aware that many others have already been past this stage in knowing they were God and creators of their own reality. But knowing something and feeling/embodying it are different. And this was my God blockage, I knew for myself what was true about God and that we are all one, we are all God. But I wasn’t feeling the connection most of the time. I would have some phases of feeling it, but never could really get it to stick. So I decided to let go of all of that and that is where I found my re-connection in what I mentioned above. I just said if something is attached to me I don’t care, it doesn’t exist, and if something is really there then it will just be pushed out when I raise my vibration back up. I’m not longer going to worry about something that does not exist to me. I also made the decision I would no longer be intentionally/consciously connecting to spirit guides anymore. I would only connect to my higher self and God through my higher self. If some of them show up and want to help so be it, but that’s up to them. I was giving too much power to such things and needed to come back into my own.
A lot of this is related to the law of attraction too. What we put our focus on is what we attract. I had worked with a healer for my own journey over the phone for a while, since 2016. And I would go back and forth a lot on this… why do I keep having entity experiences. I fell into an extremely bad habit of thinking everything negative in my life that would come up is entity related. I would constantly have the words like “gotta check to see if there’s anything I need to clear.” Getting in a habit each day of sitting, meditating, and actively looking for things that need to be cleared. But what was this doing? I was literally looking for things that were wrong, all the time. And by doing that, I was creating them even if they weren’t there before. Every phone session I’d have with the healer I’d ask to be checked over for attachments. Even in that moment of asking that, that is also creating that to happen.
From this realization I started removing the “clearing” from my vocabulary and at least try to become aware of it when it was running through my head in such a way. I started replacing it with love. Instead of clearing or looking for something to clear, I’d just send love into myself and come into my light. But more so than replacing, I simply have stopped going about it the same way.
Some of these realizations have come this month (October). It’s all blended together. That emptiness feeling continued until October 1st. I went to bed on September 30th and that day still felt the emptiness and it was gone the next day. And of course at this point, I didn’t care about figuring it out. I wasn’t going to try to look into the meaning of that. I was going back and forth on this, as I would do the meditation and feel the connection, but then it would dissipate and the empty feeling came back.
This month I have felt fantastic, but even so I still was struggling with some of the manifestation concepts and money ones. Even though I was able to let go of that during the meditation exercise mentioned it came back up again. A close friend of mine offered to give me an astrology reading to try to narrow things down. In the reading there was a part that came through that I think was meant to help me shift it. It was saying that It could be 5 years or longer before the spiritual business could take off. Even myself, I was getting that maybe another year or two as mentioned, but 5 years was like a smack in the face. And even though I don’t get locked into any future predictions due to how much things change instantly now, it still hit me hard with knowing that could at least be a possibility. So this forced me to think about what to do next. What other dreams do I have? What other interests do I have? What is something else I could try to find to support me, that I would enjoy? It didn’t take me long to realize that the information in the reading wasn’t meant to be a prediction, but was meant to get me to open up to new ideas. Generally anytime in the past I’ve gotten a time frame it just ends up being a challenge for me anyway. If something is going to take a year, I say ok I’ll do it in 2 months instead. So sometimes I feel information comes through that way, so I can say “NOPE! I will not wait that long” and make it happen sooner. I have wanted to start a film type of business with a childhood friend for a while and we have discussed that a lot. And I’ve even written a couple things to film for fun. So that is something that may come to fruition. I also have thought… well if things will be a bit, then what can I do now to enjoy myself. I was never open to living with other people in my manifestations or future, I would try to manifest having my own place, which I know is coming but now I started opening myself to living with others. The idea of finding some other people on a spiritual path and moving to rent a place in Northern California came to mind. And do psychedelics together, visit Mt. Shasta a lot, and work on film projects. I’ve felt called to the Redding/Shasta area for about 3 years now.
One of the issues with information about manifestation is that some of it makes you feel like there’s conditions to it. This information that you must be a vibrational match for it or you must do this or this to get this. But then you see someone who is isn’t awakened, in some real bad energy manifesting and having plenty of money. So there’s a huge illusion present there too. A strong reminder that intention without reservation is the only thing required. When there is no doubt about it, it comes to be. Remembering that we are constantly manifesting, whether it’s positive or negative. Then I remembered that I was trying to manifest 1 million dollars and technically I did. My mother went on a trip and brought back a 1 million dollar bill and handed it to me haha. She had been trying to manifest a stack of million dollar bills or visualizing the manifestation that way. There was a stack of those where she bought them. I told her both of ours came through, we just weren’t specific enough! But that was really hilarious and sort of a cosmic joke for me to stop taking everything so seriously.
As for the healing business I have felt that this shift was meant to get me to look at doing things a different way, not to abandon it. Intuitively I have been getting that I may not need to do the healing sessions nearly as long, like so much will happen much faster. Even so I did remove the services from my website and am not trying to get those sessions right now. I also will not be doing entity removals or implant removals anymore. By putting that out there I was also inviting those experiences into my reality and I’m done playing with that now. After I posted the message of this on my website and pages I had positive support but also had a couple of lovely individuals message me. I asked for a confirmation if I should test something out and waited. I saw the 333 number as a sign, but also got that I was not to do it like I have been. I believe all I’m meant to do is simply channel my higher self and God/Source and allow whatever needs to happen to happen. I won’t be trying to figure it out anymore, but if something comes to me I’ll relay it. But when it was agreed that we would try, the person immediately just received healing and the solar plexus was cleared and they felt much lighter. I didn’t even intentionally tune in or connect, set intentions, or anything else. It just instantly happened. Something similar happened a couple times in the past too. So I’ll play around with that some more and see what happens.
Hope my experiences here can help you or someone else going through something similar. But there’s big things happening now. I haven’t even slept hardly at all in the past few days, including a night with 0 sleep. And I’ve had plenty of energy and feeling energy flow through me frequently throughout the day without doing anything. If you ever feel called to do Ayahuasca, I recommend listening to that call. Some pretty incredible healing can happen through those ceremonies and for quite some time afterwards.
Sending you lots of love!