In February I had a complete breakdown and imploded. It ended up being the experience that lead me to a new permanent shift within myself and consciousness and it was a series of experiences and choices that was the catalyst for it.
I moved to Newark Ohio in December. When I moved here I was off cigarettes/tobacco for a couple weeks (had been struggling to quit after multiple attempts the past year, which is not normal for me). I lasted about 24 hours here before I relapsed. Seems like the entire town here smokes and everywhere I go I smell it and there’s people smoking. The addiction energy in the group consciousness here has been overwhelming for me. There’s an insane amount of people on meth here that I feel too.
Then I would go to the gym and be in the steam room and hear some retired homicide detective sharing a little about the town… like finding cut up girls bodies in trash bags. And hear about how the bar 40 yards from my apartment had a shooting in the past year and there was another drive by shooting at one of the bars in the last year right down the street. The apartment I moved into is right next to the freeway on ramp, there’s a crematorium right across the freeway (literally dead bodies being burned within my bubble radius and entities from that.) And the downstairs neighbors at my apartment (I can hear everything) yelling and screaming at each other. Felt like I was living in the same house with a couple in an abusive relationship. Was struggling to keep their energy from coming up into my space and effecting me while I was sleeping. Then you add in the regular night disturbances. There’s like a thick layer of black/gray energy below the ground here that I’m only now just getting ready to deal with.
So that was a little background of the energy I moved into.
Essentially there are 3 bigger things on top of all that, that also were the catalysts.
1. I put it out there to get a job walking distance, and I didn’t get about the money just wanted something basic I could quit later. I got exactly what I put out there with my limiting belief stuff. An extremely dense 3d job. People yelling, people crying, and people strung out and high on hard drugs. I’m not judging anyone there, I actually liked everyone and the main owner was a good dude. But this was a reflection of my own lack and “manifesting” exactly what my limiting beliefs got me.
2. There was an online connection to a woman that popped up at the very end of the year. And there were many signs and synchronicities, as well as a heart telepathic connection I’ve never experienced before. It was very powerful, however, the person was in a lot of trauma, shame, grief, and was nowhere ready to be in a relationship. Which resulted in me being emotionally and mentally abused (or at least feeling that way) where I was basically a punching bag for her to throw all this hate and resentment and grief at. It was draining the shit out of me.
3.) On my way walking to the job in February I was assaulted in broad daylight by some guy methed out of his mind. I heard someone coming up behind me and I had stepped aside so they could pass me. I didn’t feel good about hearing this person behind me. So I stepped aside and took out my phone and was just going to look at that until he passed. I had a hood on and it was icey out on the road, so I wasn’t seeing the side. Suddenly I was punched in the side of the face and this dude just started going psycho. I ran to the otherside of the street and started walking back home. And then he followed me across the street, started yelling “who the fuck are you” and “I’m going to kill you” over and over again. I ended up running home and that was what really was the piece that had the breakdown happen.
Within the next week I quit the job, ended things with that woman, and started the healing. I also decided to quit tobacco at the same time. I did some of this with the help of cannabis.
So for about 2 weeks I was smoking weed and using it to purge all the fear out of me. My entire sense of safety was shaken, and I was getting up constantly to check if the doors were locked and it was just crazy. It had been so many years since I’ve felt any sort of consuming fear like that, just the embodiment of fear.
After about two weeks of releasing all of it while also getting help from my support system (friends and family) I was able to bring myself back up in vibration. I knew I needed to put the intention that this would transform me into a state I’ve never been in before. Alchemize it instead of letting it tear me down.
There were many many realizations through all this. It was partly a choice of mine on a soul level to experience this level of consciousness one last time. And holy shit I am never going back down there again. It was crazy being at that level and living in it, I don’t know how I lived in that for so many years of my life.
The other part was how I attracted the woman. There was a part of me feeling very lonely. And a part of me that was worrying about being in my mid 30’s now and being single. Especially knowing how fast 5-10 years can fly by. I know this is a feeling many people in their 30’s or above in age have felt. But that was the problem, it was attracted out of loneliness and almost a feeling of desperation. And that was the result.
With the job it was my own limiting belief that attracted that. I could have just put out there “I’ll get a job that pays really well, super easy, and walking distance” but I didn’t. I pretty deliberately manifested the opposite.
Being assaulted on the street was strange. For one, when it happened, I was so far in the future and past and removed from the present time that I feel that was a big part of it. So far removed from the present time that it almost got me killed!!
There was a lot of trust/faith in spirit that was shaken when I was attacked. It’s hard to trust spirit again to be safe at all times after you experience a seemingly victim experience. It was just being blindsided so suddenly and it came out of nowhere. I also felt like part of it was this guy in the vibration of addiction on meth… came in contact with my energy field and felt extremely threatened and just lost his shit.
By the start of April I was in a good place. And earlier this month I went and applied for a job at a garden center. I had interviewed, got the job, and was going to start a week after I was interviewed. A few days before I was going to start I got some sort of stomach virus type of thing that took me down hard. I was throwing up all night the first night and then it continued for over a week. I called the job and told them I wasn’t taking it. Never in my adult life have I had a stomach thing that lasted more than a week like this did.
To me that was a pretty obvious sign that I should not take the job. But again I was creating from lack. I chose a $12 hour job. And I specifically applied for the loader position which was going to be physical labor all day in whatever the weather was. So if it was snowing or raining I’d be outside all day working in that for $12 an hour haha. And when I went there they literally had cashier positions and other easy stuff I could have just said I wanted that and got that position. So once again here I am deliberately creating hardship for myself!!
It was crazy and that realization ended up shifting a lot within me. And the combination of all this stuff just brought me to that point where it was like… I can’t continue this way any longer. It doesn’t work. I must get out of the past and future and learn how to live in the present and be.
I decided I was not going to look for another job. I had already been getting very clear signs that it was time to put both feet through the door with my spiritual healing work. And then I came across material like Nisargadatta Maharaj quote that completely shifted me.
Over the years I’ve studied law of attraction, Abraham, Neville Goddard, been following all that stuff for years. And for the most part my manifestations would come through, eventually. But it would take so long because I would constantly be flip flopping mentally and then it’s like something is right there about to drop in and then you have some limiting belief for even 1 second and it pushes it away again. It just never felt like the method that worked for me.
I just surrendered and after coming across Nisargadatta Maharaj I was able to immediately shift and embody what I’ve been reading with him.
However I had to do some specific things to put me in a position that I could surrender, as it’s not always easy, especially with bills to pay. And I was short 1k I needed to buy a car coming up.
I took out a small loan (which the first time I was able to do so in my life, as my credit was absolutely destroyed when I first became an adult and it never recovered until last year). That covered the car, another couple months of rent, and gave me money to get a couple things together over the coming weeks.
Everything started coming together. The missing puzzle piece, the map of consciousness by Dr. Hawkins came to me with a huge download and I’ll be doing a lot with that over the coming month.
My online job that I’ve had for 10 years, I have been “trying” to manifest more work and money from that for years. After this shift in consciousness I experienced. I remember I had the thought “Maybe now that I’m in this new mode, I’ll get more money from my online job.”
Less than 48 hours later my boss gets in touch and offers me $20 an hour to do more online work.
The quote that did it for me was this one: “Be empty of all mental content, of all imagination and effort, and the very absence of obstacles will cause reality to rush in.” — Nisargadatta Maharaj
So now I’ve had a series of synchronistic happenings.
We rarely have big life changes or shifts when things are going great. When things are going great, why would we look to change. Most of the time for me my greatest shifts have come from rock bottom, nothing left to lose points. Because when you have nothing left to lose then you are willing to change a belief or do something you have not done before.
And we do reach these breaking points where we just cannot continue to think or live the way we have been, because that has never worked. And in those moments that’s when we summon the courage to face something we have not had the courage to face… or say I GIVE UP. And in that giving up we surrender completely which opens new doors.
The power that comes from total surrender is miraculous.
Now within the past couple weeks, circling back to the problems with the area. My downstairs neighbors suddenly became quiet. And the guy even apologized to me and said he has been speaking to his girlfriend about the yelling.
I had contacted someone about a meetup group months ago and at this same time they put on their first meeting since the whole pandemic started.
I discovered the Earthworks Hopewell native tribe network here in Newark. And I’ll be working with those locations to do ley line work. This summer may do some group ceremonies at these locations.
Essentially a lot of the “problems” and “issues” are just magically resolving themselves. It just happened, I didn’t have to do anything but get out of my mind.
More to follow in coming days and weeks.
Meashenu
